Let’s talk about ranch, y’all. Gooey, rich, fattening and (apparently) polarizing ranch dressing.
It’s not a topic that’s gone unnoticed in the black hole of civility and hope some call the Internet. In 2014, Buzzfeed published a totally scientific and matter-of-fact list titled “16 Things Midwesterners Are Tired Of Hearing” and what comes in promptly at No. 12?
Behind hot topics like debunking the idea us Midwest folk eat too much cheese, yet ahead of the burning issue of if or not our regional inhabitants drive tractors to school is “we deep fry everything and dip 99 percent of our food in Ranch dressing.”
While the article aims to put to rest the idea that Midwesterners dip 99 percent of food in ranch — let me raise a counter argument. Spending six adolescent years of my life working at a pizza buffet in mid-Missouri known for its house-made ranch dressing ... I’ve seen the power of ranch.
Have you ever been to a pizza buffet at noon on a Friday? People won’t think twice about spreading at least two spoonfuls of ranch on top of a combination pizza. It’s a thing.
Wait, there’s another list: Hailing in at No. 2, way higher than No. 12, Buzzfeed, on Seventeen’s list of “13 Things Only Girls Who Grew Up in the Midwest Understand” is the proclamation of “ranch dressing is a food group.”
The best part of this counter-argument? Raygun’s with me. The Des Moines-based, self-described ‘best store in the universe’ unveiled a new poster this morning via social media that wields the words “Midwesterners be like: 'They Ran Out of Ranch.”
The poster clearly shows the effects of when the ranch bottle runs dry. There's a bonus: According to a comment in the Facebook post, there's a shirt version coming.
So, what’ll it be, Des Moines? Is ranch fire? Is it not? Whatever, just pass the Sriracha.