From Jimmy Buffett to Fetty Wap, these 5 holidays songs are completely unbearable
Want to know what your favorite Christmas song says about your personality? Emily Drooby (@emilydrooby) has the story.
So, this is Christmas?
The season to celebrate family and generosity comes each December with a soundtrack of red-nosed reindeer and chestnuts roasting. But, for every crooning Nat King Cole classic, there’s Paul McCartney, backed by his goofy, dated synthesizers, singing “simply having a wonderful Christmastime” on repeat.
In hopes of sparing your ears the sorrow of ill-produced holiday music, the Register reprises its annual bad holiday songs list for a fourth edition. Read below for handful of songs to avoid this year, because, sadly, we can’t all be Bing Crosby or Barbara Mandrell (or even Pentatonix, really).
Maroon 5 — “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)”
In 1971, John Lennon and Yoko Ono captured civil unrest using four words: “So, this is Christmas.” Lennon’s quivering reminder of “let’s hope it’s a good one, without any fear,” delivered during the songwriter’s continued opposition to the Vietnam War, proved holiday music can reflect the somber as well as the jubilant. As for Adam Levine donning a faux Beatles drawl in 2007 for a polished Maroon 5 cover? I’ll stick with the original.
Jimmy Buffett — “Twelve Days of Christmas (Parrothead Version)”
Oh, Jimmy … anything to keep the parrotheads happy. Part of his 2016 holiday album “‘Tis The SeaSon” (because #branding, right?), Buffett released a version of the Christmas classic pandering toward his loyally laid back following. Buffett replaced turtle doves and golden rings with tiki torches and Hawaiian ukuleles, spoon-feeding a list of present ideas for his fans. Somehow, though, he forgot to fit the Margaritaville webstore link into his rewrite.
Fetty Wap — “Merry XMas”
It’s a 1738 Christmas somewhere, but hopefully not anywhere near your speakers. Famed trap rapper Fetty Wap rolls out a sled full of cliches on his 2015 attempt at holiday romance. “Girl you shine brighter than a diamond, I swear/And if you like it can be Christmas all year,” Wap sings — a cute sentiment, but not exactly a memorable one.
From 2016: These 8 holiday songs are the absolute worst
Hilary Duff — “Santa Claus Lane”
The title track from Duff’s debut record (yes, her music career started with a holiday album) teams pre-teen pop and forgettable 2000s production as Hillary Duff declares she’s “walking this Christmas, down Santa Claus Lane.”
Bob Dylan — “Must Be Santa”
Just because Bob Dylan can do whatever he wants doesn’t mean he should do whatever he wants. That includes this 2009 call-and-response polka song — because Dylan fans obviously questioned his lack of contribution to polka in the years leading up to “Must Be Santa.”