5 new State Fair foods I won't be eating
From 2016 - Check out 22 of the new 26 state fair foods you can devour at this year's Iowa State Fair
You. Guys. The list of new Iowa State Fair food is out and it's got me all sorts of hungry. But some of these concoctions are not on the Courtney-approved list. Here's a very, very, very scientific breakdown of this year's fair offerings as told through gifs.
Now, to the potential haters: This is a joke. We are making fun of everyone and all things. Read with a sense of humor.
Hawaiian Pineapple Bowls
Half a pineapple used as a bowl, filled with white rice, chunks of fresh pineapple and your choice of teriyaki chicken, Maui pork or barbecue pork ribs and sauce. Diamond Jacks, $14.
My take: TOO HEAVY! Now, normally, I appreciate edible dishware — look no further than the almighty bread bowl — but, really, bro? You expect me to lug around half a pineapple while I'm trying to dodge sweaty dudes and sticky-handed children. NOPE! Points for creativity though.
A grilled footlong hot dog chopped up and added to a bag of crushed Fritos corn chips topped with chili and cheese sauce. Additional toppings include onions, pickles, sauerkraut, sour cream and jalapeño peppers. Brafford's Concessions, $5.
My take: It's the United Nations of foodstuffs you can throw in a Fritos bag! Let me be clear: No one asked for the United Nations of foodstuffs you can throw in a Fritos bag. Also, let's do a little word association with the name:
Slopper = Sloppy = Dog Slobber = Classic 90s movie "Beethoven." (He was such a rascal!)
Nobody wants to eat dog slobber!
Blessed Breakfast AKA Big Boy Plate
A baked buttermilk biscuit split in half and topped with two slices of ham, followed with a generous portion of potato bites and scrambled eggs. Then comes sausage gravy, shredded cheese and jalapeños (optional). All of that is served with a buttermilk biscuit to clean up your plate. West Des Moines Methodist Church, $8.
My take: Because sometimes you want to get a good base before you hit up the Craft Beer tent and eventually take a nap on a hay bale in the cattle barn.
Funnel Bacon on a Stick
A thick strip of bacon weaved on a wood skewer is deep fried, dipped in funnel cake batter, and then deep fried again. Topped with customer’s choice of maple butter cream, caramel or chocolate syrup. The Best Around, $5.
My take: A re-enactment of the planning session for this:
Person 1: What can we do with bacon that's new?
Person 2: Hmmmmm....Bacon…What can we do with bacon?…Bacon.
Person 1: I know, let's fry it twice. TWICE! Double-fried bacon.
STOP! No more bacon. I get it, we are the pork capital of the world, but enough with the bacon. It's like when someone just got their hair done and they are flippin' it all around waiting for you to say, "Oh, wow, did you get your hair done?"
I WILL NOT ASK ABOUT YOUR NEW BACON!
The Strawberry Blonde
Light and fluffy, crispy crunchy authentic Belgian waffle, topped with strawberry glaze, fresh made Chantilly cream, fresh sliced strawberries and drizzled with white chocolate. The Belgian Waffle Café, $6.
My take: Oh, you fancy, huh? You bringing "Chantilly cream" to the State Fair. You know there's a "Big Boar" competition at this thing, right? You know people walk around in overalls — of their own free will — at this thing, right? You know people sportin' hair spray like they are in a Jane Fonda workout video at this thing, right?
Aight, aight, just making sure.
But, seriously, y'all, I LOVE the fair and the food is a big part of that. I must say I am a purest, though. I like my cheese fried and in nugget form. I like my Bauder's peppermint bar with plenty of Oreos. And I like my lemonade with extra, extra sugar.
So you adventurous eaters, go forth and try all these new foods. I'll be sitting in my folding chair in the shade with my cheese curds and lemonade.